BERT HAGINS - THE BH - 1958 - 2015 - R.I.P.

My Brother Bert Hagins Passed away about a month ago ,..and this death has been very difficult for me ,... it has hit me stranger and harder than when Greg Died and then Later Pauly moved on to that next world back in 2011,..

The BH was a Jolly Grand Man ,..but this write up here will complexly have to be as much about me as it is about the BH ,..and our days ,..back at 251 ,..

In many ways ,..I never really "knew" the BH ,...the "Santa Clause" Like person that many of you describe out there is some kind of strange Fiction virtual unknown entity to Me,.. though I get the idea all the way ,..  

This is all a very strange situation ,... but ,.

Bert and My Life are forever entwined ,..

In many ways,.. Bert drove me to play music ,..

He made me have something to prove,.. He pissed me off so much ,..

In some twisted weird way ,.. He created G.e. ,.. and he made G.e. twisted ,..  

Now,..

In those rare occasions that I return to the South Bay, I sometimes encounter those also quite rare "Sharky Supporters",...

#TeamShark if you will ,... 

They make it a point to create a Kind of Grandstand Big "Moment" that I guess is supposed to be taken by me ( and nearby others ) as some kind of God-Sent "Epiphany" that the not so complete wise Sharky "should Learn from" ,..because after all ,..apparently I think I am some big genius ,..but still I must be reminded that I am the same old naive stooge as ever really  ,... while as YOU are all so much better, older, and wiser than Little me,..  

It usually goes something Like this:

The Sharky Support team member will stroll on up and look me right in the eye and declare:

 " Your family owes you a big apology because everybody knows how badly they all treated you ,..yes,..we all know it !!"   

or something like that,..

Then they give a few dirty looks around and they leave,..

Now,..I have always theorized that it is some kind of backhanded compliment to keep me to ... keep feeling small and like a little piece of shit ,... and yet also "Build me up and make me into some kind of responsible man" too ,..or something like that,..  

or maybe just create drama ,..

In other words,..its there to both help and hinder me at the same time,.. I guess ,..

Seems like Never can anyone just plain help me ,.. LOL ,..always has to be some MSG ingredients attached ,..

And then it just hits me ,..how this has always just been the Sharky MO mantra walk of life, problem ,.. enigma ,..whatever you will ,.. the usual ,.. dysfunction ,..  situation ,.. way past an awkward moment ,.. that I cannot even be prepared to reply to ,.. not that anything 'l do any good now today anyway  ,.. me being nearly 50 now n' all ,..

and yes of course,..

All mandated and sanctioned for some reason by the Almighty ,..or whudevverr,..

Some Grand Plan ,..that I do NOT EVEN  know Myself  ,..and apparently am not meant to ,..or something ,. ...

And again i say : The more things change,... the more they stay the same ,..

Well ,... on a day to day basis in my life,.. a lotta of this stuff does go shooting through my mind,..and it is very complex,... Sharky is indeed a paradox situation ,.. and often I find myself "Self-angry" or laughing into a mirror ,..and things of the like ,.. as if Jack Nicholson ,..
the only way to stay sane ,..

Yes,.. the stigma enigma ,..that is the Shark ,..

The guy who grew up Living the Who's Tommy ,..and then came to Like that album ,..but for the music and melodies and not for the confusing story ,.. 

... or so I thought ,..

A nice sweet and kind and often generous and supportive too guy ,..who yet people treat like crap and rumor about ,..and  also quite often ( weirdly to me ) think is a total dick too ,...  

to the point where I myself was pushed 'to' act like a dick sometimes ,... 

Ahh but that was then and this is now ,...

Yes,..I know I can't fool any of you'se geniuses out there that i am some nice guy chap with my loving big hug and ready laughs routine,... I realize that many of you are convinced that the Shark is some kind of "Evil villain" who keeps all his Grand schemes and designs safely within his head ,.. to someday unleash ,.and use on all of you later like a nuclear weapon  ,..in some "THAT/ THE Big Grand Success eventual moment" for  the Shark that may be coming ,..but most you all hope never will ,.. because after all I am such a rotten little jerk and would never be smart enough and be able to handle it ,..or something Like that,.. like all of you could ,..

Of course I'm not as Big and important or as Smart as My Sister Mary is either,.. after all ,..she had the class and the integrity to go waltz into a Hospital for Seniors in Torrance and get my mother to sign over the whole living trust to her while my mom was drugged up and very ill   ,.. but that's another story for later,..

Some have told me how noble I am ,..for righteously and usually taking the high road and just walking away when there are those silly confrontations and put downs   ,..and Others have told me that I am just a sucker and a fool ,.. and that I need to man up and  fight back more and make stands ,..or the misery will continue ,... or somethin' like that ,..

Gosh ,.. You fucking Plain Earth people are so boring ,... 

Ya know,... "What do ya expect Sharky ,..it's a tough Dog eat Dog world ,.. and yer' justa a little five foot '6 creep,... ya gotta go balls out !!" ,..err somethin' like dat',..

,... all of this is usually greeted by the happy gregarious magnanimous Sharky often with just a smile and a chuckle ,..  

Today's Shark from 2015 is certainly not that Sharky from 1992 or the 1983 Dude at South High ,.. 

and yet very much the same ,..

A Shark rolls on and has his way of handling the ebbs and flows,.. and,..

well ,..I am clearly not one of those macho Kung Fu mixed martial arts guys like some of my older brothers ,.. I am a thinker and a writer ,..and I am a Lover,... rarely a Fighter,.. 

A Shark today ,..wisely ,..stays solitary ,..

Now,..when some encounter a Shark today , they will often pose and ponder a question ,..

Who was the meanest one to you Sharky back there in Torrance / Redondo Beach  when you were just that frail little near albino 100 pound kid ,.. back in the day ,.?? Was it Doug or was it Geoff ?? ,..as if this stuff is some kind of legend ,..

Well ,...I just about always answer them quickly that it was NEITHER OF THEM !!

The one that was JUST ABOUT ALWAYS  the biggest jerk dick to me was Bert !!

Yes,..it's True !!

The truth is ,... Me and my Brother Bert did not have a good relationship at all ,..and I mean almost NEVER !! until quite recently anyway ,..

SURE, ...I "Do" remember lots of times down in the Rotunda at El Retiro Park on Saturday nights where a very Jolly Bert and I would get along just fine and dandy ,..usually after Bert had drank about ten cold ones,..

And I remember a few other times around barbecues where me and the BH would work out just fine also ,..  We shared a few great laughs here and there,..

But the reality is ,..the reason i often moved in and out of 251 was not always because of the mean things Doug would say and do or the terrible shit that Geoff would say and threaten ,..  

No Way !!
Certainly not !

My problems growing up in Redondo Beach virtually revolved around my having to Live around my Brother Bert,.. day to day ,..

Now, Bert was a bit of some kind of "Special needs" guy ,...He was a very twisted individual with some major issues,... I mean this guy could have been on meds the whole time ,..or maybe he badly needed them,..  

Because it seemed to me that My brother Bert was always angry ,.. and he was always some kind of paranoid ,....in his world view,.. someone was either always breaking into his room to steal something or something like that,... yeah ,..I had compassion for him because I knew there was something seriously terribly wrong ,..but he could be so mean and so crazy that it almost overwhelmed my prayers for the dude,..

Sometimes I prayed he would just DIE ,..and if ya know what I mean,..

Bert was one brutal soul towards me and he was way bigger than me and yet I still felt compelled to challenge him to many fist fights ,... one or two that I just barely won and about ten that I majorly lost ,... and You People in the South Bay know me : I am one of those wimpy jolly jovial souls ,...You CANNOT GET a Shark to fight ,..I am just not wired like that,..

And yet MANY TIMES, I Found myself in almost near life and death battles against my crazy Big Brother Bert,..

Now,.. Bert had something majorly against me ,.. and it was nothing like Geoff or Huck ,..

Bert was very threatening and menacing at just about all times towards me when ever I lived at 251 ,... and I mean to tell you it was very scary ,.. I "Had to" Move out ,... and move out I did !!

It could make Doug's treatment of me ,..Look like a frickin' Picnic ,..

But the thing that I could never really understand about My family and the South Bay ,..is that many in the South Bay communities seemed to "Continue" the bad treatment of Clark the Shark when I ventured to stroll out into the world,..  

This was a dilemma that I could never quite comprehend to understand ,.. 

You all knew full well how my family treated me like shit ,..and YET many of you treated me like shit too ,... and sometimes even way worse than the way my family treated me ,..

My family would say really mean way out of bounds put-downs at me AND ALL THE TIME TOO  ,..and YET then out in the world ,..I would hear these same things repeated BACK AT ME by many of you ,..

So i had few friends at home and few elsewhere too ,.. 

... it always made me think all the people around me were real fakes ,..real phonies ,..

Sometimes, I would find someone out there that was legit ,.. but that seemed rare indeed,..

Well ,..I have made an effort never to be like that,..though surly i am a sinner too and not perfect and may have said some dumb things myself ,... though i doubt many people give a shit what I say ,..SO I try not to do it ,... to play that insult game ,..not very often anyway ,..

It just occurs to me that many of you people backing my family against me ,.. well that must make many of YOU some kind of psychotic    sadist narcissists or something ,.. A LOT'S YOU SOUTH BAY PEOPLE ARE FUCKING CRAZY ,... YOU NEED TO LOOK IN A   MIRROR ,... I can see why you need the  drugs,

..or whud-ever,..

Now,..over the years ,..I have often found myself including my brother Bert AND big time at night  when i pray ,..I have asked the Lord to give him a break and I am sure that God will ,...  as I live my Life down here in San Diego ,..far far away from the drama that is the South Bay ,..I can keep to myself here and not have to deal with a lot of people ,.. nobody really knows me and when they start to ,..I can make my escape ,.. I have discovered in these later years that I prefer to be by myself ,..it's just way easier ,..for the complex Dr. Shark ,...

A Shark has found success with his tunes and much of my music is quite well known now ,..though not as much as i would Like ,.. so still at night I try ,..

Yeah ,.. I know that many of you read what I write and like to say things like "Somehow Shark makes everything all about himself" but I feel that my special experience at 251 has probably helped to elevate me to really be the Most Known thing out of the family really ,.. More people around the world know about me than know about My Dad or anybody else ,..and that's just the reality ,.. 

And don't really blame me ,..

You guys seem to like to watch my videos and buy my shit ,...for better or worse,..

And it's kinda weird ,..

,.. many people who Live in France and Nebraska and who know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about 251 and the South Bay are confused and they comment and email me things like : "You must just be one special dude,.. everyone in your town  just must love you to death !!" and things like that ,..

But the truth is I have never really felt the love,.. for all my abilities with writing, music, and art,.. They ain't exactly been buildin' fuckin' statues of me around Redondo Beach CA ,..and if ya know what I mean ,. I guess it's some kinda competitive town ,..

Maybe Glen Lynskey and his awesome Guitar skills are so much more worthy than little me and my 93 Songs like "Ben is Dead" and "Brandy",.. ( You fucking Douche ,..You ain't got talent in any League with me ,... None of you Big Mouth South Bay Creeps do ,..there ain't none of you on that level ,..and you all have always known it ,...Buncha fake phony coward little creeps ,... is what ya are ,.. afraid to support a Shark ,... Gimme a fuckin' break ,.. )

Yeah ,..  

,.... back in the days of G.e. , I played many a gig with no one there as i painstakingly went out of my way to hang out and root for others, go to their rehearsals, etc,.. and somebody said to me at Bert's thing the other day : "Ya know Sharky,..you were always one of the coolest nicest most supportive dudes that i have ever met,.. but you probably should have spent more time supporting yourself,..because I barely know about you ,..and it's pretty weird,..considering what I've discovered about you now ,..yer fuckin' rad at music dude,..and hardly anyone around here ever says it ! !!"

Typical ,... 

,... buncha jealous no-talent Douchebags is what ya probably all really are,..

Go have another drink !!  

And when my mind translates this ,..i think it says this  : "Quit being such a nice guy all the time,..try being more of a dick ,... nice guys finish last,... Sharky ,..ya shoulda known that by now ,.."

And it's probably true ,...  

RIP BH ,... I'LL remember those good things about you ,... and I'll pray for you ,.. Thanks for coming out in front of 251 with the baseball bat to back me up against that random douchebag that day ,..things like that - that Bert did ,.. things that i might never do for someone ,.. I'm thankful ,..for that !!  May God Love and Protect him ,.... Forever in Heaven ,... Amen !

Notes:

1: Some Cat ran into the church Saturday and was apparently rubbing against Bert's ashes and flowers and well ,.. Bert being the big cat and animal lover n' all ,..WELL ,..I'll just leave that one to Zak Bagans ,... Wow !!

Bert also had a Love for Raccoons and would feed hundreds of them ,..now ,..if THAT HAD BEEN A RACCOON THAT RAN INTO ST. LAWRENCE ,..I WOULDA FAINTED !!  

2: I guess the conventional thinking is I was the baby of the bunch ,..and "They're" not supposed to get support and respect ,..or they have to "Earn it" or something like that ,.. yeah ,.. YOU PEOPLE ARE FUCKING PATHETIC !! WHERE'D YA LEARN THAT BRILLIANCE !

3: I have instructed my wife that someday when i am gone ,... that I don't really want a funeral for me ,... I DON'T WANT 'ANY' OF YOU SOUTH BAY PEOPLE COMING AND SAYING 'ANYTHING' GOOD 'OR' BAD ABOUT ME ,... YOU DON'T KNOW ME ,.. AND YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME ,.. AND YOU DON'T CALL ME ,.. YET THERE'S THIS THING WHERE 'IT'S EXPECTED' that I drive up there for you and 'Call you" ,... well ,...I ain't FUCKIN' CALLIN' ANY OF YOU'SE ,.. YOU WEREN'T THERE FOR ME ,... I AIN'T THERE FOR YOU !!

4: Yeah ,.. it probably really 'is' true ,.. I wouldn't advise people to be humble and nice all the time and sweet ,.. it doesn't do ya any good or getcha any love or favors  any better,.. it really just turns ya into a schmuck is what it does !! A schmuck that no one Likes ,.. maybe mean people have got it right and I had it wrong ALL ALONG ,...